May 15, 2014

Blogland Comeback tour?

It seems I only blog when I get in a really bad way mentally!

Just having an outlet to pile up all the shit that is running through my head is a great help... although really most of what I write here does actually make sense, the things that are fighting for attention in my head space totally don't!  It still allows me time to think beyond the mind jumble and that I guess is where the help really lies!

In the last month (and a bit) that I have failed to blog, I have been rolling with the punches, that is pretty much the sum of life for me at the moment.
I achieved an amazing thing - I 'ran' an 8km fun run on the 25th April, I completed it in 67 minutes + some seconds... absolutely thrilled with that performance by me!
I always talk about it to others as though it was nothing and wasn't good enough... I tell you I need to bask in my glory and allow myself to tell other people I am happy and excited by those achievements, unfortunately anytime someone asks I play it down and say "I didn't do too bad" or "Yeah, it was ok"
And because of that, no one celebrates with me... well except the Opmove crew! They are amazing!

Apparently people are concerned that I am going 'too far' with my commitment to moving and running, if only they knew what would happen if I didn't have that commitment it might change their thought processes, at least make them think twice!  I actually ENJOY running, I enjoy going out and spending that time thinking about how my feet land, how I need to soften my strike so as not to put so much pressure on my knees, to keep my head up, to manage my breathing correctly.  To wonder why my shoulder suddenly started aching for no apparent reason... but stopped when I hit a walk interval... In those moments there is nothing but me and my body to worry about or take care of, everything else STOPS for those moments.  I long for more and more of those times every day, sometimes I worry that life will become more about those moments of 'just me' and less about the reality I am always drawn back into.  But for just those moments that is something I don't think about!

Last week I spent 490 minutes in those moments, this week I aimed to do that again and more, at this stage I am pretty sure I will not reach that target.  But the attempt is something wonderful in it's own right.

I haven't been for a run for way too long, I am hoping to break that drought this weekend.  Outside, alone and content!

March 26, 2014

Struggle Town and beyond?

There are things I don't post here, even though I have said, time and again, I will be open and honest and I just don't care about reads my posts, I still struggle to give voice to some things.

I have read many a blog post on depression and the struggles that come with it.  But I have never been truely open on my own blog about MY struggles with it.  It is time for change, maybe people will relate, maybe they will get lost along the way, maybe they will think I just need to suck things up and get by!
Each to their own, until you experience depression you don't KNOW depression, and then there are many, MANY, levels of depression.

I always talk down my illness, it is a state of mind that I have... I don't normally refer to it as an illness, I don't let people know often that I suffer from depression, I don't tell people I am on meds, and have been for nearly a year now.  It is not something I am happy to admit or talk about because some people just don't get it!
That is ok, because they don't have too, I hope that if they are faced with someone close to them suffering with this illness, they will reach out and research what they can (and shouldn't) do to help.

It is only in the last few months I have really felt how much my depression changes me and my relationships with other people.
My marriage has reached desperate lows and we started counselling, we have moved forward leaps and bounds then had everything fall in a heap time after time.
I struggle with this because I have a firm belief that all these struggles are the fault of me, because of my depression, then I hate myself for putting it all on me... it is a massive cycle of hate that funnily enough probably has more to do with the depression than anything else.

And that ^ right there is the best way to sum up what my depression is doing to me, even on meds!  I still have the highs and lows the ups and downs, I still get the voice in my head that tells me I am useless and worthless!  That all the blame for everything and anything that happens to and around me that isn't 'GOOD' is somehow my fault, if not because I have done something it is because I haven't!
There is always a reason to feel the guilt for any and all actions, or inactions... if I have a day where I get stuff done, it isn't good enough because I didn't get EVERYTHING done.  If I had a day where I got all the housework done it wouldn't be enough because I didn't, get my run in.  If I get my run in, it isn't good enough because the time wasn't better than the last one...

Right now, I am at that low... about as low as I have been, since starting the meds.  I will be making an appointment with my GP in the next few weeks to get a new script and will be asking for a change in med or dosage.  I will also be asking for a referral to a Physch.  Because mental health isn't just fixed by a pill.
When I first started on the meds, the change was huge and quick, maybe I was too hopeful that everything would work out from there?  I wasn't given the option or advice to seek help from anywhere else, the meds would do their thing and I would be all good soon enough!

A year on from then and it seems that is not the case.

I may have managed to pinpoint something today that gave me hope for my future.  I think I have finally found my trigger, it is the reason I want another baby sooo much, the reason the illness developed to the point that it is.  I am lost!  As a person, I went through school with a goal, then I met my (now) husband, and my goals changed and shifted, as goals in life so often do.  I had my baby, when she reached school age we were trying for our second child, and a year later I was pregnant with our 3rd... they were MY goals, that is who I wanted to be... Now my youngest is in her first year of school, attending 3 days a week, next year will see my oldest in Year 7 and my youngest in her first year of FULLTIME school, and I am no longer needed 24/7... I will always be here for them but as they grow in independence,  I am losing what I feel is my worth. There is nothing for me here now... I am not needed...

I have found space for myself in a few other places, I have the community and advice at Operation Move, I am finding strength and purpose in aiming for what seems like INSANE running goals, I have become a solid participant in the local Badminton group thanks, in part, to opmove for giving me a new found sense of direction and achievement.

But this still doesn't give me a life goal, it helps short term, and gives me something to move towards but when it comes to what I want out of my life I am still lost!

I went for a run yesterday... here are 10 things I learnt on my run... (not one of them helps long term but some of them raise my spirits enough that I can keep moving, and eventually find that long-term SOMETHING I am searching for)

1.  I love wearing my Opmove singlet - although I feel nervous and anxious when people comment on it.
2.  I really need a new Sports Bra... this one isn't cutting it anymore!
3.  Outdoor runs are much harder on me physically than treadmill runs!
4.  I need to work on strengthening my Glutes, to stop my Calves from hating me.
5.  I hate to run in front of strangers, unless they are running too!
6.  I want to punch people who see me running, then later walking, and ask "What Happened?"
7.  Full Sun plus meds that change how your body feels temperature = too hot, even in Tassie and 22degrees
8.  Hills will be the death of me... and my calves!
9.  I have the discipline to pull the car over and JFDI, when all I really want is to go home and sleep
10. Runners? - I AM ONE!!!

The one thing I do have now, that I would have never thought possible given this post, is an infinite and unrestrained LOVE for myself, my body and what it can do... I may have a head full of negative hate talk and guilt, but sitting just seconds behind that is a strength and love for myself that I am constantly shocked by!


January 5, 2014

Must be about time for this:

I hope everyone had a wonderful Festive season and welcomed the New Year in style.

It was hectic family filled fun time over Christmas for me.  The new year was bought in, in style with me babysitting a gorgeous little man, I dearly miss having a baby around and delight in looking after my cousin's gorgeous boy, so she could have some fun baby free time.

I have also been sick with a chest infection since the 27th December, taking it as a sign that this is the worst 2014 will bring to me.

Weighing in on Friday saw me only just under the 95kg mark, I didn't meet my Christmas goal of 85kg, but really this doesn't bother me so much, another year of scheduled moving will help kick some more goals. With the help of the awesome team at OperationMove. I recommend you all go there and check out how supportive the team is of EVERYONE, beginner, runner, swimmer, rider, walker, team sports, what ever your moving situation let the team have a go at supporting you.  They Rock!!!

2014 brings with it the promise of opportunity, it sees my youngest child starting her first school year, leaving me child free Mon, Tues and Wed. EVERY WEEK.  This means I have more opportunity to move.  More opportunity to move, means I can better myself, fitness, speed, distance!  It also brings me more opportunity to be part of the OpMove team, to inspire others and to potentially meet other team members in person. Melbourne Running Festival 2014 anyone? 

I am slowly recovering from my chest infection, with the help of lots of rest and antibiotics!  I am still hopeful that I will at least be able to walk my Cadbury Marathon 5k Fun run on the 12th. If anyone would like to support me in my run, I am raising funds for AMAZE, the Victorian Autism community HERE

Or I would be grateful if you would donate to the Clown Doctors via THIS fundraising page, as due to a technical issue Denis's supporters have been directed and donated to my choice of charity and not his own. 

I have also signed up for my next event the Women's 5k, in Launceston to support breast cancer research and awareness in March. 

I am excited by my future fitness and running ability, and would be delighted if you would join me or share this post around for others to join or read about.