March 26, 2014

Struggle Town and beyond?

There are things I don't post here, even though I have said, time and again, I will be open and honest and I just don't care about reads my posts, I still struggle to give voice to some things.

I have read many a blog post on depression and the struggles that come with it.  But I have never been truely open on my own blog about MY struggles with it.  It is time for change, maybe people will relate, maybe they will get lost along the way, maybe they will think I just need to suck things up and get by!
Each to their own, until you experience depression you don't KNOW depression, and then there are many, MANY, levels of depression.

I always talk down my illness, it is a state of mind that I have... I don't normally refer to it as an illness, I don't let people know often that I suffer from depression, I don't tell people I am on meds, and have been for nearly a year now.  It is not something I am happy to admit or talk about because some people just don't get it!
That is ok, because they don't have too, I hope that if they are faced with someone close to them suffering with this illness, they will reach out and research what they can (and shouldn't) do to help.

It is only in the last few months I have really felt how much my depression changes me and my relationships with other people.
My marriage has reached desperate lows and we started counselling, we have moved forward leaps and bounds then had everything fall in a heap time after time.
I struggle with this because I have a firm belief that all these struggles are the fault of me, because of my depression, then I hate myself for putting it all on me... it is a massive cycle of hate that funnily enough probably has more to do with the depression than anything else.

And that ^ right there is the best way to sum up what my depression is doing to me, even on meds!  I still have the highs and lows the ups and downs, I still get the voice in my head that tells me I am useless and worthless!  That all the blame for everything and anything that happens to and around me that isn't 'GOOD' is somehow my fault, if not because I have done something it is because I haven't!
There is always a reason to feel the guilt for any and all actions, or inactions... if I have a day where I get stuff done, it isn't good enough because I didn't get EVERYTHING done.  If I had a day where I got all the housework done it wouldn't be enough because I didn't, get my run in.  If I get my run in, it isn't good enough because the time wasn't better than the last one...

Right now, I am at that low... about as low as I have been, since starting the meds.  I will be making an appointment with my GP in the next few weeks to get a new script and will be asking for a change in med or dosage.  I will also be asking for a referral to a Physch.  Because mental health isn't just fixed by a pill.
When I first started on the meds, the change was huge and quick, maybe I was too hopeful that everything would work out from there?  I wasn't given the option or advice to seek help from anywhere else, the meds would do their thing and I would be all good soon enough!

A year on from then and it seems that is not the case.

I may have managed to pinpoint something today that gave me hope for my future.  I think I have finally found my trigger, it is the reason I want another baby sooo much, the reason the illness developed to the point that it is.  I am lost!  As a person, I went through school with a goal, then I met my (now) husband, and my goals changed and shifted, as goals in life so often do.  I had my baby, when she reached school age we were trying for our second child, and a year later I was pregnant with our 3rd... they were MY goals, that is who I wanted to be... Now my youngest is in her first year of school, attending 3 days a week, next year will see my oldest in Year 7 and my youngest in her first year of FULLTIME school, and I am no longer needed 24/7... I will always be here for them but as they grow in independence,  I am losing what I feel is my worth. There is nothing for me here now... I am not needed...

I have found space for myself in a few other places, I have the community and advice at Operation Move, I am finding strength and purpose in aiming for what seems like INSANE running goals, I have become a solid participant in the local Badminton group thanks, in part, to opmove for giving me a new found sense of direction and achievement.

But this still doesn't give me a life goal, it helps short term, and gives me something to move towards but when it comes to what I want out of my life I am still lost!

I went for a run yesterday... here are 10 things I learnt on my run... (not one of them helps long term but some of them raise my spirits enough that I can keep moving, and eventually find that long-term SOMETHING I am searching for)

1.  I love wearing my Opmove singlet - although I feel nervous and anxious when people comment on it.
2.  I really need a new Sports Bra... this one isn't cutting it anymore!
3.  Outdoor runs are much harder on me physically than treadmill runs!
4.  I need to work on strengthening my Glutes, to stop my Calves from hating me.
5.  I hate to run in front of strangers, unless they are running too!
6.  I want to punch people who see me running, then later walking, and ask "What Happened?"
7.  Full Sun plus meds that change how your body feels temperature = too hot, even in Tassie and 22degrees
8.  Hills will be the death of me... and my calves!
9.  I have the discipline to pull the car over and JFDI, when all I really want is to go home and sleep
10. Runners? - I AM ONE!!!

The one thing I do have now, that I would have never thought possible given this post, is an infinite and unrestrained LOVE for myself, my body and what it can do... I may have a head full of negative hate talk and guilt, but sitting just seconds behind that is a strength and love for myself that I am constantly shocked by!